With Nothing Less Than What You Started: Chapter 6, Excerpt 5

…………………….Why Humor? Humor is for the childish, and the immature. That’s why comedic movies are called lowbrow, while melodramas are considered to be for the thinking and sophisticated audience, right?

 

This touches back on to why I do not use the word confident, even though most people reading this book would probably understand my meaning better, instead of getting hung up on the word cockiness. I choose cockiness because while the foundation of any healthily cocky person is going to be 90% confidence, or an assurance in who they are and what they are capable of, cockiness is that 10% on top that adds a bit of humor to the game. Humor is often a necessity when it comes to creating attraction in a woman.

 

Humor is one of those phenomenon that shows up all around us, but is really overlooked as far as how much power and influence it has in our lives. Yet we all have a slightly different take on what is humorous. While you don’t have to look farther than a 5th grade classroom to find those who consider jokes about flatulence humorous, there are those of us that would scowl at such a base notion as laughing at bodily functions. But perhaps what they find comedic is awkward or situational humor. That’s what much of our modern ‘sitcoms’ (situational comedies) are based on today. Still others don’t find the light-hearted humorous and they gravitate toward what some call ‘dark humor’ which is often characterized by the irony of a tragedy or the disgusting.

 

For as many types of humor as there is, there seems to be just as many definitions, but all humor seems to have a certain common thread: irony. Irony, and Juxtaposition are the backbone of pretty much anything that is funny. Keep this in mind because it is key for producing appropriate humor with all others and especially women. Nobody quite knows why, and forgive me for using such a cliché but they often help when conveying a point, but seeing a man in a suit walking down the street and safely arriving to his destination is not funny. Seeing an elderly man who has trouble walking and is wearing shabby clothing walking down the street and safely making it to his destination is also not funny. Seeing that same elderly man who already has trouble walking, step on a banana peel and fall is again, not funny. But seeing the well dressed man in the suit, step on a banana peel and slip and fall suddenly is funny (told you it would be so cliché it would be painful). Why is this? Irony. Let’s look at each scenario.

 

  1. In the first scenario we see a well-dressed man, presumably fit, and sturdy, walking down the street with purpose, confidence and a suit. In our culture suits, (when worn well) imply success, power, purpose, and confidence. That’s why women love to see men in suits and men who understand that love to wear them. Now it would be completely normal, and predictable for a man conveying all these qualities, to walk purposefully down the street and arrive safely at his destination. That whole scenario fits into the narrative of his life and situation that we as humans instantly build upon seeing him. When things fit and are normal. It’s not funny. Not that there’s anything wrong with normal. It’s just that we’d be laughing all day long at everything if what was considered expected and normal was funny.
  2. An elderly man who has trouble walking and is dressed shabbily. The narrative we build in our minds about this person tells us he’s had a hard life, or perhaps he’s so old his body is giving out. Maybe he had an accident, and doesn’t have much money to get help or to dress better. He walks slowly but he makes it to his destination. This isn’t funny either because we expect to see an elderly man walk slowly, which he does. And even though he walks slowly, we still expect and even hope for him that he reaches his destination. If this scene conjures anything at all it is not comedy, but a slight pity, and a desire to help.
  3. The elderly man who, on top of not being able to get around easily, now steps on a banana peel of a piece of trash, and falls down. This is certainly not funny for many reasons. The man is elderly and is presumably achy and perhaps in pain already. His clothes tell us he’s not in a great situation in life already, and slipping and falling is like the universe kicking a guy when he’s down. This situation also fits in our narrative because at seeing an older person who has trouble getting around, we are already on our guard and fear the fact that they may fall at any moment. They obviously can’t move the way a younger or more agile person can move and a small bump or obstacle could have dire consequences. This only evokes a higher sense of pity, empathy, and even fear. Not humor.
  4. Back to the well dressed, perhaps businessman, walking confidently down the street. In our minds he is sure of himself and sure of his steps. He has power, money, and perhaps great influence. Maybe not, but either way he’s doing well for himself. He steps on a banana peel and falls down. He doesn’t hurt himself too bad, but goes down nonetheless. Now this is funny. It is funny because it is ironic and does not fit the story in our heads. Confidence and strength and power is the opposite of falling. So when you see this pillar of strength, do something that doesn’t fit with the idea of strength, that dissonance often is interpreted as funny.

 

Now that is very very basic, but if you can understand that and keep that in mind, you can see the humor in many different situations and learn to create it when necessary.

 

But unless my goal is to win a woman’s heart through becoming the class clown, why would I want to create humor? That’s simple, because what most of us don’t realize, as we go about our days laughing at some things and being offended by others, is that there is actually a strong correlation between a persons ability to create humor, especially rhetorical humor, and their ability to make personal connections and lead. And whether you are attempting to woo a self-proclaimed neo-feminist, or an old school southern belle, one thing all women are looking for at some level is a man who can connect to them on a personal level and one who can lead them. Just like a fancy car implies money, humor implies leadership……………………

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Being able to make a person laugh, especially a stranger, implies that you know how to hit the sweet spot of interpersonal relations to where you understand where the other person is coming from, and can create a psychological and rhetorical connection with them to the point that you know what they will find offensive and have avoided it, but that you know what they will find ironic and funny. And because funny can mean different things to different people, being able to be funny to any particular person, implies a certain type of intimacy with the way their mind works, as opposed to attempting to being funny to all people, which is nearly impossible to do and usually fails. After all it takes a least some level of social skill to know the difference between whether a fart joke will illicit a laugh or whether you should go with the tried and true ‘spelling “hello” upside down on your calculator.” Depending on your audience, both will get you either crickets or applause, or if you’re really lucky, boos.

 

Now while a presidential candidate or a rehearsed speech may seem to be miles away from the idea of speaking with a woman, it’s actually not too dissimilar. Interjecting humor in an appropriate manner with a woman can show her the same things that a presidential candidate is trying to convey in his speech: that you care about her enough to try to understand where she is coming from, that you’ve actually succeeded in seeing where she’s coming from enough to know what would be ironic to her but not in an offensive manner, that if you are perceptive enough to understand her then you may be perceptive enough to understand other aspects of life that she would count on you to know how to navigate. Humor also shows that you have the gal to take a calculated risk, and that you have the creativity to make something new and fresh, that works out of observations taken from your environment. And a shared laugh can create a sense of oneness, even if just for a moment……………………

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With Nothing Less Than What You Started: Chapter 7, Excerpt 4

……………….We’ve already explored in depth the tendency that women have to respond positively toward behavior that to us seems like it would turn anyone off. I mean think about it, when looking for a mate, and in this case a man to spend time with and perhaps become romantically involved with, doesn’t it make sense that the guy who is nice, flattering, and gentle would be totally attractive to a woman. I mean in the game of odds, I’d certainly put my money the guy who’s initially nice, always offers to pay, and always groveling at my feet to keep treating me well in the years to come, before I put it on a pompous jerk who treats me as if I was somehow the lucky one to be with him instead of the other way around. In the normal world people want to be around other people that treat them well and make them feel special, but as we’ve discussed, this isn’t true in the dating world, and certainly isn’t true in the female dating world. But the question remains as to why. Why do women, the delicate and beautiful creatures that they are, find men who treat them as if they couldn’t care any less about them irresistible? One word: Pride.

You see, it’s not that women are particularly prideful in comparison to men, it’s just that because we are different sexes, with different biological tendencies and different social pressures and expectations shoved upon us, pride tends to manifest itself in different ways………….

………………I know what you’re saying to yourself. “Sin? Who said anything about sin? I thought we were talking about why women respond to men in certain ways. I mean sure you can call it illogical, irrational, heck even down right crazy, but surely he can’t be calling women sinful for something that seems to be so natural to them that it works even against their own will?” Well first of all, think about Paul in “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. “ (Romans 7:15) He’s talking about that nature that we all have inherited that creates that paradox within our minds and hearts. It’s something so counterintuitive, and yet it’s also so much a part of the human condition that we cannot even imagine, save for Spock fans, what human life would look like without it. It’s that feeling you get when you’re driving or walking close to the edge of a cliff. The last thing on earth you want is to slip off the edge to your doom, and yet for some reason there’s this seemingly imaginary but incredibly strong force that beckons you off the edge, both delightfully hypnotizing and terrifying at the same time. Although not completely analogous, that to me, is a good way to describe the feeling that we all get when we come across this age-old sparker of the Doctrine of Human Depravity. If honest with ourselves, each and every one of us can think of countless instances in our lives in which we knew for a fact that a particular decision or action or inaction would inevitably turn out bad for us. And I’m not talking unfavorably or inconveniently but more like career ending, marriage destroying, or financially ruining. That kind of bad. And with that unavoidable and certainly undesirable end in mind, we went ahead and did whatever it is we knew would cause that ‘bad’ to happen. Sometimes, if we are conscious enough of it at the time, we can catch ourselves having that somewhat schizophrenic dialog in our mind, arguing and rationalizing to ourselves why we should or should not make this or that decision, while we are in the very process of making it. The part of our mind arguing for the ‘bad’ comes up with reason and excuse upon reason and excuse about why the inevitable tragedy either won’t happen to us or is somehow worth it. In our better judgment we know these excuses are ludicrous but for whatever reason, we buy into them. We want to buy into them. But as soon as the fleeting delight is over, whether it be from the rush of gossiping about an enemy or the elation of a sexual encounter, it’s as if that voice of excuses is immediately silenced and all we are left with is the one screaming to us of how terrible an idea it was in the first place. Then we are suddenly fully aware. “Why did I do that? I don’t want to have done that! I didn’t want to do that! But I did it anyway.” This self-chastisement is almost invariably followed up by some kind of intensely determined vow like, “This was the last time,” or, “ Never again…” We are ashamed of our action but we are also so proud of ourselves for finding the discipline and strength, after the fact, to promise to never let that action happen again. We’ve grown, we’ve learned, the hard way perhaps but we’ve learned nonetheless. And then the next time we find ourselves in the same situation all that strength seems to have atrophied while patting ourselves on the back for the whole week and the same dialog and hence the same action repeats itself all over again. In other words sin.

Now of course I could go on and on delving into the nature of sin, our relationship with it, and the different methods God has used and continues to use to point out to us that it’s nearly involuntary and that we can’t even hope to beat it without him, but even a mild examination of that would create a need for a whole other book series. I’m also not criticizing women for this observation I’ve made about their behavior and its relationship to sin because the Lord knows men, and all humans for that matter have an intense and complex history of weakness to all sorts of sin. Let’s get that out of the way right now. What I am about to explain, however, is that our natural tendency to sin, which in turn leads us toward a natural inclination toward pride and a need to fill ourselves up instead of letting ourselves be filled by what we were created to be filled by, which is the creator Himself, can be seen as a huge factor in why the said approaches seem to work so well………………..

With Nothing Less Than What You Started: Chapter 5, Excerpt 3

………..Now I mention the words arrogance and cockiness a lot in this book, and I would assume that those would raise red flags in the minds of many men, especially Christians. As Christians, it is fundamental to our faith to be aware of the perils of pride as it is quite possibly at the root of nearly every visible sin. Lucifer himself was not a sex pervert or some kind of ax murderer as far as we know, but when “iniquity was found in thee” it was his pride that got him thrown out of heaven. And through his pride and then downfall came all the rest of the depravity that he has become known for. With that in the back of the Christian mind, and the mind of the general American consciousness, a guy would be wise to question this whole cocky approach. After all, are not cockiness and pride interchangeable? Perhaps in the everyday sense of the words, but I’m here to tell you that when it comes to attracting a woman, there is a huge difference that must be observed in order to succeed in establishing attraction and a slight social dominance.

Cockiness is something that you want to have in your interaction with women. Combined with humor, it can serve as a secret weapon when looks or status just won’t do it. Pride is completely the opposite. It can poison the most promising relationship before it ever has a chance to become one. I will explain in detail. First the poison: many don’t realize it, but for many of us, that feeling of paralyzing fear we have in the pit of our stomach at the thought of approaching an attractive woman, is actually our pride. We don’t often think of it that way. We like to think of it as a justifiable fear of rejection, or wanting to protect ourselves from being hurt by a woman, but what is it that would be hurt? It’s our pride. It’s our exaggerated and unrealistic view of ourselves. You see, a view I’ve always had about pride, that you may at first argue is extra biblical, but I challenge you to study the Word and see if this idea doesn’t line up: that God hates and is disgusted by pride, because he is in love with, and cannot tolerate anything but truth. Do you ever feel funny after reading a passage like Exodus 34:14 that talks about God being jealous, or him doing or making things simply to glorify Himself? It sounds just a tad bit off to us because we have been taught our whole lives to not think too highly of ourselves and that traits like jealousy and self-glorification are not desirable in the least. When we see God outwardly admitting that he does everything for himself we get squeamish because we have a tendency of viewing Him in an anthropomorphic light. That is to say, we make God human in our minds. Now I believe that Jesus was God and human just as much as the next guy but that is not what I’m talking about. Pride isn’t really about things like jealousy and selfishness. It is simply about the truth, nothing more, and nothing less. When God talks about how great and wonderful he is, his statements and thoughts about himself are in perfect alignment with the truth. However, if a man were to think of himself as this wonderful, the way Lucifer did, then his mind has deviated far from the truth. His thoughts have become prideful just in the fact that they are elevated higher than the thoughts that “reality” has about him. This is why God, first of all, cannot be prideful even if he were to try. God could never have a thought so high of himself that it wasn’t also true. Perhaps the closest he could get to pride would be to think too low of himself, but then I’m not quite sure what that would be considered. On the flip side, man cannot think very highly of himself at all without getting off the path of truth. Being the sinful and death-deserving creatures that we are that are hardly even capable of recognizing the wrongs we do on a daily basis, let alone having the ability to correct them ourselves, it is easy to see that any kind of lofty thoughts about ourselves really do cross over the line into the realm of fantasy. This is why God loves humility in a man. Humility, unlike the weakness that our culture likes to pin on it, is actually a great strength. There is no strength in thinking something about yourself which is not true. That is why pride is the true weakness. Humility on the other hand is simply a mindset that is rooted in reality, and nothing more. The humble man knows exactly how high to hold his chin in the air. He holds it no higher and no lower. Now how does all this have anything to do with approaching a woman at the bar?…everything…………

With Nothing Less Than What You Started: Chapter 3, Excerpt 2

Now that you’ve decided why it is you want to get the attention of a particular girl, and those images you’ve conjured up of you and her 10 years down the line raising a family together and living happily ever after have gotten you all pumped to go out and talk to her, you’ve still got something else to consider. This one may prove for some to be a little tougher than the previous chapter. It may even be a chapter that you are tempted to skip, but I assure you, no matter how difficult or easy this may prove to be, without it, you will ultimately be sunk with women, but with it, you will not only increase your success with females sevenfold but in life as well. It will take honesty (with yourself which often is the hardest kind to practice), courage, and a healthy dose of reality. You’ve figured out why you want her, but now the task is to discover…why should she want you?

I’ve found that often men don’t give much thought to this. They simply see someone that they want, for whatever reason, and go for it, without ever considering how or why they are going to arouse reciprocal feelings in the other person. This is foolish for two reasons. One is that whenever you want something, you should always have a plan or a strategy on how you are going to obtain it. It doesn’t have to be a complex strategy, but a goal without a clear plan on how to achieve that goal is simply some lofty fantasy that has no ladder connecting it to your present reality. Imagine you are playing one on one basketball against a guy that is bigger than you, stronger than you, and jumps higher than you. A strategy for winning that that consists of simply scoring more points than he does is foolish. Scoring more points is just like saying, “making her want me.” Of course that’s what constitutes winning but that still doesn’t give you any clue on how it’s actually going to happen. You must assess your opponent and also assess yourself, knowing your strengths and weaknesses and how they match up against his. For your basketball game, he may be bigger but you may be much quicker. He may be able to block your shot if you take it down low but out on the perimeter he can’t guard you and you just happen to be a great shooter. And if you’re not a great shooter, become one. You have to be thinking of these strengths beforehand so that you know to play to them if you want to give yourself the best chance to win. A woman is the same way. Women in today’s world have hundreds if not thousands of learned and built in defenses to ward of ‘players’ from ‘scoring.’ Now to continue with the basketball analogy, I believe that this sports quote can also apply to approaching women, “Good offense always beats good defense.” That’s good news for us, but if you don’t already know your strengths and weaknesses, and what you have to bring to the table before you even approach the ‘game’, then you can prepare to get ‘shut out’………………..

………………….I was once told by a friend who had worked in sales for 30 years that the art of selling isn’t actually selling at all, but it’s showing the other person that you actually want to help them. A woman has needs; emotional needs, romantic needs, sexual needs. Women have Maslow written all over them and they are constantly on the lookout for someone or something that can meet these needs. Don’t let them convince you otherwise. As we know the Lord is much more than enough to satisfy our needs in their entirety but in the sense of romance, sexuality and human companionship, many of these female needs can be met by you. The only problem is that when you approach a woman with a foul pickup line or something of that nature, she can sense from a mile away that you are trying to sell her something. And just like in the sales world, that sense brings up so many negative feelings in a woman. Selling makes her think you are trying to con her, that you are only looking out for self and not her interests. Once a woman gets a hint of that, no amount of smooth talking or brilliant one-liners is going to break that barrier. Again, here the art is to know the product you’re selling (yourself) and then don’t sell it. Show her how by investing in you, she is actually helping herself meet some of those needs she has. That’s what knowing yourself is like. You have to have a good sense of what you can offer a woman and then an effective way of showing that to her. (Keep the effective way of showing her in mind. I’ll touch on that later on in the book. It might not be exactly what you think)…………………

 

With Nothing Less Than What You Started: Chapter 1, Excerpt 1

………..Yet we find ourselves, after thousands of years, in an historical position in which women seem poised to usurp men in nearly every area of esteemed modern life (while they are wary to let alone the lower realms of society such as sexual deviance and violent temperaments, championed areas of society in which they quite generously allow men to keep as their sole possessions, at least as far as public perception goes.)

The west, as we have grown accustomed to doing for nearly the last 2000 years, has set the trend once again, this time in the feminization of the global culture. Sure there are pockets of resistance, the Middle East for example or possibly China, but even they are beginning to learn that as mighty as the arm of orthodoxy and tradition is, it is still no match for the dainty seductivity of American, and (arrogantly) therefore popular, culture and the subconscious politics it plays in minds around the world.

Now to the disappointment of both my ‘feminazi’ and ‘masculinist’(yes I know you’re out there) readers, pointing out and discussing the historicity of the emerging era of female privilege that we find ourselves in is not what I intend to do in this book. I will do so nonetheless so much in that it advances my discussion of the modern Christian man’s need to evolve socially if he wants to find a date in this world. Women have always been said to be the ultimate (temporal) mystery but as I’ve lived the past 24 years of my life in the ‘cradle of modern society’, California, I’ve noticed a widening gap in the disparagement between men and women. It is as if our culture, as advanced as it claims to be, is reverting back to the Freudian past in which a few men had more women than they knew what to do with, while the rest had to kill somebody just to get one. Unlike back then however, it’s not necessarily the lion of a guy with the biggest biceps, but the biggest brains who can command the attention of the pride. Don’t get me wrong, an NBA contract or a custom Lamborghini never hurt any guy’s chances, but lets face it, the odds of you fighting off thousands of screaming female fans as you leave from work only to find a mailbox full of bras when you get home is nothing to take to Vegas, even Reno.

The name of the game in the information age, as it almost always secretly has been, is knowledge. Aristotle himself is famous for (among a few other things) saying that, “Knowledge is Power.” He was right, in a sense. Knowledge is power as long as that knowledge is applied toward the cultivation of wisdom. This might not make much sense right now, but raw knowledge about women will only get you about as far as the character Chip from the movie Hitch. To become an Alex Hitchens however, one must have relational wisdom, a skill more than an intellectual possession, one that is slowly developed and modified again and again over years of experience and contemplative assessment by the attentive man or woman. As a man, with the sheer fact that you’ve invested, even a small amount of time, in developing relational wisdom, you’ll not only reap benefits from nearly all corners of your life whether it be in business or academics, but you’ll be miles ahead of the rest of the male population when it comes to getting the attention of even the most untouchable of female. In fact, that is the goal of this book, to not only convince you that you have a viable shot, but break down the game plan for the average guy who has his sights set on the anything but average girl……………

…………….Not all of us can be as fortunate as Luke, the author destined to pen down the idea that one should “love others as one loves oneself.” We cannot all have the forethought of Socrates, knowing that even thousands of years later the “unexamined life [would still not be] worth living.” Most of us are lucky if we discover even one or two truths about our own time and place, let alone develop an idea that still rocks the landscape of ages yet unborn, and even then it is only by the grace of God that we stumble upon any truth at all. It is with this understanding that I humbly and seriously, delve into the world of arrogance and humor in an effort that I may help you and in turn help myself, understand a little bit more about the fairest of the fair, that we all may someday sleep softly beside the beauty we chose not the beauty we settled on.